Transparency

Transparency...I'm working on becoming more transparent on the blog. It's easier in person because I know who I'm talking to and typically am more compelled to share. Versus on the blog, I hit publish and thousands are privileged  to my mind, heart, vulnerabilities, and past experiences.  I know you're thinking, well just don't share, that's simple enough. However, it isn't that simple. I know that through sharing experiences and stories leads to healing of the recipient and the one sharing.

“A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.



”

— Dalai Lama

I'm very thankful that I can consider myself a wounded healer. I've gone through many things, and I've survived. I don't play victim, I don't walk around angry, I don't place blame. I accept my reality for what it is. I'm very thankful for the lessons I've learned, no matter how many times it took to learn the lesson.

There are some women that will read this blog and we will never interact or work together, but they will resonate with things that I write about and share. And I'm here for them just as those that I serve. In working with majority of minority women, I've noticed most of us have a hard time dealing with self-help topics. It's easy to acknowledge "something" [what's your something(s)?]  but to become motivated to change that "something," and actually follow through is a whole 'nother story. We all know that lady that's always put together from the top of her head to that fresh pedicure on her toes, but she's a MESS inside. You may not know her, because she lays the polish on so well, she's mastered the role and is even convinced herself that she's together! But she's as put together as Humpty Dumpty after the fall!

I know her....I used to be her some years back. The facade was real. Prior to working on myself and actually aspiring to live the life I truly wanted, I bought my happiness. Whatever I wanted, I would get. I reasoned that I worked hard and I deserved it. And I did work hard, but I deserved happiness and my true desires fulfilled more.

Note: there's nothing wrong with treating yourself, do that! But love yourself and follow your dreams and passions like you lust over meaningless things.

I blocked out certain emotions that would cause me to look at parts of myself that I didn't want to deal with or remember situations I didn't want to address. I was emotionally unavailable and dated the unavailable and it became complicated when their emotions got involved and they realized how wonderful and amazing I was, because I truly didn't acknowledge my worth. I knew the basics, but not the full scale.  I had a lot to offer yet I still felt I wasn't enough...not being enough is a form of scarcity that so many people experience, yet no one talks about it..openly. 

So through my training, life experience, past pains, and the desire to be a change agent...I'm here...fully transparent and fearlessly authentic.

As I often say, "own your story, trust your struggle."

Friday Confession: People are all talk

People love to hear themselves talk. I’ll admit it; I’m included in that too. But one thing that really bothers me is when there is no action behind that talk. You know when someone starts to tell you ALL these things they are going to do, yet they rarely begin. So you just wasted my time listening to ALL these exciting and amazing things that I know you would excel at, and your own time describing and explaining it ALL to me. I read an article a few months ago, that mentioned the moment we tell others our goals and aspirations or even things we want to do, we then feel a bit of accomplishment. As if we have accomplished something by merely talking. Sounds so odd, but I began to notice when I did it, and when others would do it.

In coaching, mentoring, and therapy I hear talk more so than the average. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, because I love helping. However, I’m no help if the person has no follow through. We all want to change, but very few are willing to put forth the efforts to accomplish the change.  In graduate school, I learned many theories and reasons as to why people change, as well as why they don’t.  In order to change the pain (or unwanted thing/event) must be so unbearable that you can't imagine feeling (dealing with) it anymore. Very commonsensical, who would continue to do things that they don’t like, right? Wrong! Everyday people do it. That job they complain about, yet guess where they are still employed at? That friend that drives them crazy, guess who they are hanging out with this weekend? So many situations…can you think of any in your life?

 In looking at my own life, I rarely made a change until I decided the “pain” was too much to bear.  When I had my first son, I was 18 years old and undecided about college. I would go then I would quit then I would go again, and I would quit again. I played a refund game with Sally Mae for a few years. I would go long enough to get my refund check, and then I would drop out.  I had my daughter at 21 years old and I hated the jobs that were available to me, and that’s IF I worked. Between my parents supporting me and my Huni, I was in my comfort zone. The “pain” wasn’t bad enough to make a change. I quit a “good job,” and decided I really wanted more. I needed more freedom, I wanted fulfillment, I didn’t appreciate the way the clientele would talk to me. And this is back when my attitude was “nuck if you buck,” and I hadn’t fine-tuned my assertiveness.  I went back to college and did exceptionally well. My pain was too much to bear.

I want you to really think about things that you want to change, how bad is the pain? Is that why you haven’t made any progress towards this change? Do you even want to change?

I’ll leave you with this, before verbalizing any changes you want to make, do, or embark on, write it down and an estimated completion date. Include one actionable step you can do within two days to get the process going. Once that’s completed tell two people and give them your estimated completion date. These people should be persons that will hold you accountable to your date.