Self Care

Naturally women are nurturers. We're always giving so much of ourselves to others. We're there for our loved ones when they need us. And if we're mothers then we truly put the needs of others before our own.

And we do this with grace and minimal complaints. 

What do you to take care of yourself? 

For some it's getting their hair done.

Others a fresh manicure and pedicure.

I count those as lady maintenance. 

Each week I reserve two hours for myself. Whatever I want to do, I do.

I know two hours seems so minuscule in the scheme of all the hours we have in a week. However, those two hours keep me sane and super focused. 

Some weeks I go and have a me day. I unplug from all social media and texts notifications and truly am present with what I'm doing. 

Being still & emerging the white space is therapeutic. 

Other weeks I may plan a day [2-3 hours] with one of my girls, my mama, or daughter and I enjoy their company. No distractions of the phone or social media, just them and me. 

I'm not thinking about work I have to do, or chores, or what I'm doing later. I truly enjoy the moment with who and where I am.

Then there's days where I just watch tv and laugh at my favorite show. 

Your self care hours could simply be going out and buying the house pretty flowers because you love how they smell and transcend into you having an amazing week. Pulling over at a park to enjoy the breeze and calling a good friend end laughing about good times or reading a new book or magazine. 

Do what makes you happy. Be still. [even if your still is running or even rock climbing for the adventurous]. Enjoy the moment. 

Take care of yourself. We only get one life and you better live every day as if it's your last! 

Life Happens

I was talking to my cousin the other day, and I said, "yeah I told XYZ s(he) should go to therapy." 

My cousin replied, "you tell everyone to go to therapy." 

I started to feel offended as if she was discounting what I said. 

In my mind, I thought, "no I just told you that, so you think I say that to everyone." 

I didn't say it, but I was thinking it. 

Hey girl hey if you're reading. :) Love you boo.

So I replied, "No I only tell people who need to go." Then I changed the subject. 

I think therapy is amazing!

What therapist doesn't think its amazing?!? Forgive me for being partial. 

I've been to therapy twice. Both experiences were awkward. The first time I was in high school and I thought my therapist was a clown. [I’m an adult and still know her & still think she's a clown] Not all therapists are created equally. 

I only saw her once and thought therapy was for suckers.  

The second time I was in grad school. It's always suggested that counseling students go to therapy to resolve their own issues and understand how it feels to go to therapy. 

This time I had an array of emotions and thoughts. Aside from going for the experience, I was going THROUGH some stuff.  

I knew I had high resilience and was dealing with it, but I was still going THROUGH. I was honest with her. Extremely honest. 

I just didn't want her to diagnose me.

Granted I knew she had to diagnose me, because the insurance companies don't pay just "because." 

So I asked her what my diagnosis was. 

She was shocked. I explained to her that with everything I was going through, I was handling it. I'll never forget it was as if I were in front of a judge pleading my case. First I had just bared my soul to this woman for 60 minutes. Then for 10 minutes I'm in lawyer mode. [Therapy is generally 45-60 minutes, but the first session can be longer depending…]

She said, “baby, you're going to be an amazing therapist, and you know what?”

I teared up, “what?”

She replied: Life happens. 

I smiled and wiped my teary eyes. 

That session changed my whole thought process of therapy.

That one session was all I needed. 

Things happen to people. Some horrible things. Some not so horrible things. Some people can deal with it. Others get stuck. Some try to move on but leave it unresolved. 

Those that leave it unresolved are those that I recommend to go to therapy. 

When issues go unresolved for long periods of time it becomes like an internal 6 car pile up. The clean up isn't as easy as if there were just one car, even two. The bigger pile ups usually have a web of onlookers, witnesses, and bystanders. Someone is hurting, if not dead. And since this an internal pile up, the hurt person is the one with the unresolved issues and the pain can feel as if they lost a piece of their soul. 

These are the people I tell to go to therapy. Because life does happens. Sometimes its out of our control. Other times we’re the ring leader of our own crazy circus. We all go through things. Some things as we were children and some as adults.

How we navigate through these things determines our resiliency. 

When doing life coaching I always assess where my ladies are. Even my business ladies. Being stuck is an easy thing to get over. We can work through that in coaching. Everyone gets stuck. The thing about being stuck is it's easy to self identify. 

Ignoring and acting as if everything is okay without processing and healing leads to unresolvement. 

Unresolved issues are deeply embedded and are a distant memory. The pain pushes it into the subconscious portion of our brains. You know they say denial is one hell of a drug. Indeed it is. 

Are there areas of your life where you are stuck or are you walking on the broken glass of unresolvement? 

Life happens to us all. Life is so beautiful and rich when we are actively LIVING not just existing and working through.

What filter are you wearing?

We experience life through a filter. Our filter comes from experience or lack thereof.

None of us will EVER have the privilege of being able to have the option of having the same exact filter as someone else.

That's pretty awesome when you think about it. We have something that no one else will EVER have. Even if we explain if to them, they still won't see it the SAME as us because we can't merely box our entire story and life into a box to explain how the filter even developed.

We all get caught up in our own lives, that we forget this.

Everyone you encounter receives you through the filter of where they currently are.  (tweet this)

Their lens may be dirty, scratched, cracked, shiny, blue....you get it. Don't take it personal. It's never personal.

Our filters come out through thoughts, opinions, and actions.

Ever notice how a person with a guilty conscience acts?!? They automatically assume you mean things based upon their dirty filter.

So when you share your big glorious dreams with people and they don’t respond with excitement, don’t take it personal.

When someone judges you based upon your choices, don’t take it personal.

They are looking through their filter. It isn’t meant to harm you or shy you away, it’s to protect you, as far as they’re concern.

Unless they are just negative nancy’s that need a complete filter transport or a high five across the face.

We usually aren’t offended by negative people that don’t mean anything to us or those whose opinions we devalue. With that said it may be time to rid yourself of those people. Or on a lighter note add another filter just for them: You won’t discuss things with them, where you know they won’t respond honestly and unbiased.

Common filters:

1. Everyone should go to college.
2. Everyone should get married.
3. Men should (insert what you believe)
4. Women should (insert what you believe)
5. Failure is the worst thing ever.
6. Only strangers rape/sexual assault
7. The early bird gets the worm.
8. Working for the government is true financial security. 
9. Everyone should purchase a home. 
10. *Insert your own.*

And sometimes it’s hard for all of us to be honest and unbiased, so be gentle. Just like with vision, our filters can be altered and improved. Instead of buying glasses and contacts and having an exam, take the initiative to "clean” any filter that you have that isn’t quite 20/20.

Live. Love. Action. 

1. Detach yourself from the criticism given. It's normal to feel happy when you're celebrated and defensive when criticized. 

2. Subtract their filter and find the part of the advise/statement that was helpful. 

3. Don't take it personal. 

Girl boss or Leadhers?

I saw this hashtag on Instagram a few weeks back. Then discovered it was a title of a book. Founder of Nasty Gal. I haven't checked to see if the library has a copy yet. I wouldn't buy it, definitely would have to be a library share or borrow. 

Earlier I posted a quote on Instagram as I typically do and I used the hashtag #girlboss it made me think how the term boss doesn't sit well with me. I'm big on words & what we speak out of our mouths. 

I want to be a leader. I am a leader. Natural born. 

Mya Angelou passed last week and she was a leader. Oprah is a leader. True innovaters leading to change. Who remembers bosses?!? Most people don't even like their boss. I remember I used to always correct a supervisor when he would introduce himself as my boss. No boo, you're my supervisor. No one is my boss...I control me. 

Words are simply words. I get it. Maybe my rebellion was just showing out.

But words have meanings that we've all grown to know. Isn't that why we had vocabulary in elementary? It wasn't enough for us to spell them correctly; we had to know what they meant, and how to use them correctly.

Remember you're striving for a purposeful life. 

Here are some words I avoid using: Can't. Hope. 

Can't- unless it's not humanly possible, then I won't say "can't"...I may need to say I don't want to...or I don't want to try. Those tend to be more accurate. 

Hope-hope is a contradiction. Instead of believing we insert a bit of uncertainty. "I hope you have a good day." Eliminate the possibility of the negative and state "have an amazing day!" Or "I hope this happens..." You don't have faith that it will occur when you say hope.

According to the authors of Words Can Change Your Brain:

By holding a positive and optimistic [word] in your mind, you stimulate frontal lobe activity. This area includes specific language centers that connect directly to the motor cortex responsible for moving you into action. And as our research has shown, the longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain. Functions in the parietal lobe start to change, which changes your perception of yourself and the people you interact with. A positive view of yourself will bias you toward seeing the good in others, whereas a negative self-image will include you toward suspicion and doubt. Over time the structure of your thalamus will also change in response to your conscious words, thoughts, and feelings, and we believe that the thalamic changes affect the way in which you perceive reality.

So not only am I a leader. I am a leadHER and I'm all for EmpowHERment. 

What one word should you stop using?!? Let me know over on Facebook. 

Who is on your money team?

We all have that one girlfriend that we can call on no matter what! Doesn't matter the time or topic. We don't have to even think about her judging us or telling another soul. She is our personal piece of heaven on earth. 

When it comes to our BIG dreams and goals, sometimes our girl just isn't who we need to talk to. She will want the best for us, but she's not holding us accountable for our stuff. You know really calling us out on our stuff when we don't complete the things that will take us to where we ultimately want to be. 

In order to succeed you need to place yourself amongst those you view as successful. 

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. ”

— Jim Rohn

I have distanced myself from people over the past few years for the following reasons: 

1.) I'm really busy trying to change the world. 

2.) I don't have time for gossip & negative energy. 

3.) I'm seeking genuine connections to aide in the projects I'm working on.

4.) Not everyone understands the hustle and sometimes I just don't feel like explaining WHY I work as hard for my dreams. 

When I first heard of the “Money Team,” I giggled. Floyd Money Mayweather is a boxer who has coined his support system as The Money Team. Each member is successful and hard working. We can’t deny their work or hustle. A little unorthodox and crazy, but successful and hard working never the less. 

When developing your money team you need someone that's objective and honest. They aren't going to agree with all ideas and practices just because they like you. You want honest feedback and suggestions. We all grow from criticism. 

Benefits of your money team: 

Your money team will be there for you to bounce ideas off of. 

This team will actively seek opportunities that benefit you. 

This team wants you to win just as bad as you want to breathe. 

You have to want it as bad as you want to breathe. 

There's no competition within this team. As the love and support is reciprocal. As they are helping and guiding you, you are doing the same for them. 

This team could be comprised of two or more people. You could meet weekly via phone, email, a Facebook group, or Skype. You all decide. Your team will be a mastermind group that is exclusive to sharing your dreams, goals, and desires. Perfect for go getters who may get sluggish from time to time. 

Weekly review what tasks each person needs to complete to get a step closer to their desired goal. 

Come up with systems that work for you, share them. Encourage them to do the same. 

Your team could be compromised of people doing similar things or different. The important factor is you are all actively pursuing your goals, dreams, and passions. 

This team will be your pick me up when you're feeling discouraged and feel like you're stuck and all the work or actions you're putting forth are in vain. They will be there to celebrate your mini and humongous successes. 

We all need support. Success is usually very lovely. It doesn't have to be that way for you, unless you want it. If you find some one that has impeccable drive that you admire shoot them an email or message asking if they are in a mastermind or have an accountability partner. Give them a few sentences on what you do and wait for their response. 

Boom! It's that simple. 

I was thinking...no I can't be your accountability partner...you know I would love to...but I truly cant. I am however thinking about having a free monthly call where we all can celebrate whatever. Call it a passion party. So once a month for an hour hop on a group conference line and chat it up about goals, dreams, and passions. Maybe even a little girl talk if we have time. Still playing around with the idea, but I'm always up for a good passion party. Let me know on Facebook, if you would attend. 

Quarter Two Living

Quarter Two starts today..are you ready?!? I know you aren't a coaster, you know someone just coasting through life, and these goals and dreams that you have are attached to completion dates. Naturally, I'm not a very organized person, so the thought of completion dates and quarters used to intimidate me a little. Coasting was cool in the 90's, but what car doesn't offer cruise control now? Get it? Coasting…cruise control, it was funny the first time I typed it. 

Unless you're okay with how your life is this very moment and are perfectly okay (hey grammar police I did that on purpose) with living today over and over for the next 30 plus years, by all means keep dreaming and creating goals that you'll never take action on. Thinking about doing is not doing...it's just thinking. 

Some people plan for the entire year. My mind doesn't work well under large constraints. 90 days is a push, but I know it's imperative to my success. I've completed all my Quarter 1 goals. Woop! woop! Wanna know how I did it?!? I lived intentional. 

We all have things we want. Write them down. Stop storing everything in your mind and you'll decrease some stress, worry, and improve your sleep. That's the psychologist in me, I apologize. ;) 

Determine how long it will take to get what you want. 

If you want a new pair of red bottoms, don't feel silly or bad, that's what you want. But figure out a plan on how to get them. So you might be thinking, well duh!?! Swipe my credit card. *clears throat* if another goal on that list is to save more money or get out of debt, you have a big of a contradiction, but no worries. 

This is why you write it down, so you can process it and come up with alternatives. 

You want the shoes and to save money (or eliminate debt) [Sn: be super specific and note how much money and print out the shoes or keep the magazine ad so you can see it often. This helps PUSH you to get what you want]. 

Live. Love. Action. 

1. What are three goals for quarter two? 

2. How can you achieve these goals in 90 days? 

3. Will it truly take 90 days for completion? Be honest!

Write it down. Only 3% do and then are more likely to achieve their goals. Write it now!

Self-development is scary

I'm in the process of restructuring KO. Oddly enough I work with more women in creating businesses than personal coaching. I get it building an empire is definitely sexier than working on you.

Yet, it actually confused me for some time. Like why wouldn't you want to be totally together and at peace. So many of us focus on everything else we can achieve first. We acknowledge the faults here and there but we don't go full force on what's needed to get rid of them. You know the saying, "we all have faults," stagnates many from ever working on anything within them. Please note that self-development extends further than just “faults.”

Example:

Shay has trust issues which she openly admits, but isn't willing to look at the source or even take the steps to rid herself of these issues. She signs up with me for biz coaching. Shay and I get her business running. Shay is really crushing it! I'm proud of her, she's proud!  Amazing opportunities start popping up left and right for her business. However, she doesn't believe that the opportunities are legit, based upon her own issues with not being able to trust people.  Subsequently, she misses out many times because she's doubtful and backdoor researching the opportunity.

Change is hard. I'll be the first to admit it's hard....really hard. Then to admit to another person that you need help with whatever *insert vice/fault is* OMG?!? I get it.

My bestie says I try to save everyone and I'm probably guilty as charged. Most people are okay with their chaos and guess what?!? I'm learning to be cool with everyone not wanting to be happy and at peace.  As Project Pat says, “[they] don't want to be saved.”
 I just know firsthand how GOOD life can be with it. Just like I would tell you what my favorite lipstick is and how amazing it is and keeps my lips moisturized, I want you to be happy and fulfilled. If you're reading this, you are definitely headed in the right direction. Anyone not interested in change on any level, wouldn’t read these type of posts. So Kudos to you! I hope you have your GPS on and set towards happiness, freedom, riches...whatever your desire(s) may be. Go ahead and put that desire in google directions, it isn't going to take you anywhere. Sorry sunshine! You will have to do some leg work.

Most don't want to put the work in. They want magic to occur. Happiness, freedom, and riches are all magical but they don't just fall out the sky because you're beautiful. Trust me...I have gazed at the sky many of days and at the most I was lucky to not have had a bird poop on me.

I often joke and say “Operation get my life right!” Operation get my life right is anytime I feel a shift that something in my life isn't aligned. Think of a car’s alignment, if you remove your hands off the steering wheel and if it shifts to the right or the left...you need an alignment.  If I stop doing my daily practices (gratitude, rest, play) then I begin to notice a shift and I need “Operation get my life right.” If I've had more cheat meals in a week then my clean eating regime...then it’s time for “Operation get my life right!”

Seems easy enough.  However, you will never know if you're shifting, if you've never been aligned with your core values and desires. When you begin working on the hard things is when you begin to create internal alignments. It takes time, but with love and patience, it happens.

No worries to my lovely ladies that are truly working on that core alignment. Personal coaching isn't going away, I just want you to be aware when you see some new things. Change can be so hard. ;) Inspirational posts will continue because that's just who I am...always trying to save someone ;)

The Kimber Lee Show: The Power of Gratitude

A few months back I was introduced to podcasts. What in the world is a podcast you ask? Basically audio, talking about any and everything. I mainly listen to business and self-help pods...go figure. When I created the mission impossible course, I used audio to accompany the program and the response was well received. There is something about the human voice that helps us to resonate with things.

I will warn you, the format will be very laid back. As a matter of fact I was driving as I recorded this episode and the "ums" are prevalent. However, if you're listening for those, you missed the true content. :)

This episode is entitled the power of gratitude. In the future episodes there will be interviews of phenomenal women throughout the world and a girl talk section, you know the things we only talk about with our girls and I'll invite some of my girls to chime in from time to time. It's always interesting when your most of your girls are therapists. Very interesting! The podcast is on itunes, just search The Kimber Lee Show if you want to subscribe. I’ll explain that process in time, but it’s really simple.  

Have you ever felt broken?

Have you ever been broken? Not a bone or physical state, but a very low point emotionally. It could be a divorce, abortion; death of a child, death of parents and (or) siblings or spouse; incest, domestic violence, sexual trauma (assault, rape, molestation), substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, prescription), etc.

Basically the pain of life can seem too much to bear. Your heart is beyond broken. Your world has been turned upside down. Have you ever been broken?

Recently a client asked me how I could be so positive. I didn't know how to answer her initially. Sure I could give her any politically correct answer and smile, and then encourage her to do the same. But looking in her eyes she was BROKEN and barely holding on to the facade that "everything was okay." I told her I chose to live in the dark for a few years and once finding my light, I held on to it for dear life.

For about six years I worked with sexual trauma clients who suffered from PTSD and adolescent pedophiles (male & female).  Now talk about a true conflict of interest. My first client was seven years old. This was my first counseling client ever. She was BROKEN at just seven years old. We talked for 10 minutes and I couldn't keep my composure. I wanted to fix her. I began tearing up and my supervisor removed me QUICK (as she should have). Since that day I was trained to develop an eye for the broken. Almost like a secret superpower. This superpower has it pros and its cons; especially since I want to help so many women achieve happiness, but I'm realistic and I know that no one goes through life without pain. 

“The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.
”

— Japanese proverb

I've been broken maybe two or three times. I would say probably two times, since I have a high resiliency. The third time my feelings were just heavily hurt, but I wasn't broken. Resilience is the capacity to adapt to difficult or challenging life experiences. Regardless of how I became broken, I accepted that I was in moments of despair. I wanted the pain to stop and the hurt to leave. Although during brokenness, you don't see the way out.

I developed a simple prayer that has helped through trying times:

Dear Lord,

I'm asking you for peace, not for healing because I know that will come in time as I learn from this unfortunate event. However in order to gain that insight, I need peace.

-Thank you! Amen. 

Peace of mind is everything! Peace allows the mind to think clearly and helps us to discern the lesson and choices we need to make, which aides in our healing.

Often times when we're broken we just want to be fixed, and fast. I blame society. New here? Society and I don't get along. I'm a rebel with a cause & we rarely see eye to eye. Society has the tendency to make it an issue if we feel any emotion aside from joy and happiness. Society labels us as “emo,” anxious, and depressed. And NOTHING is wrong with those emotions, the negative connotation that people place upon them is why so many flea from accepting pain.

You have to learn to identify and accept your feelings just as they are. It's okay to not be okay. If you are feeling hurt, embrace that hurt. Hiding it and denying it for face value will not help you. There’s no reason that you have to be strong, as we all are conditioned to think. It is okay to be weak at times. It’s normal and acceptable to hurt, when you are hurting. You don’t need permission, but I’ll give it to you just this once…you have permission to hurt, cry, and scream. 

Heal and build your resilience during trying times by incorporating the following:

Accept the situation as it is. Black and white, no grey area here.

Let go of things you can’t control.

Be optimistic.

Strengthen your relationships. Don’t isolate yourself from others. Draw to them and accept their love and understanding. You will need it.

Increase your gratuity. Be thankful for the things that you have and the situations that are well in your life.

Live in the present moment.

Nurture yourself.

Avoid alcohol and drugs when you’re hurting. Please…for me.

Look for the lesson and self-discovery.

You don’t need all the answers, so stop looking for them.

Be gentle to yourself.  

Accept that change is a part of life.

Understand that this is a “part” of your story, but it not your whole story, or does it depict who you are.

It has been said that resilient people are like bamboo trees in a hurricane, they bend rather than break. Even if you feel like you’re going to break or are in a state of brokenness, know it will get better, and start leaning with the wind as you prepare for your light. Brokenness can either lead to bitterness or wholeness, you decide.

How I wanted to save the world

What did you want to do when you were a child?

I wanted to save the world. I wanted to make everyone happy. Pretty ambitious/typical for a child, eh? Society convinced me that I couldn't save the world. Then I realized society is a word we all hide behind. Who is society? How many people consist of this society, that so many of us have found fear in? Either it's fear of disappointing, being ostracized by, or whatever fear we convince ourselves of. Once I got over imaginary society, I decided I can still "save" the world and make people happy.  Is society holding you back?

Our natural strengths combined with passion makes us unstoppable...only when consistent.

What are your natural strengths?

I believe my natural strengths are that I'm friendly (maybe too friendly), compassionate, genuine, creative, and I'm real. I asked the people closest to me what my three-five best characteristics are. This was about a year ago...here are their responses...unedited:

honesty

resilient

perseverance

determined

free spirit

intelligent

Being humble

Creative

Hard worker

Detailed oriented

extremely creative

passionate

Compassionate

funny

maternal

Sweet

loveable

smart

You r smart

witty

creative

smart

creative

 innovative

Honest

open minded

loving

Pretty

Supporting

intelligent

Creative

fun

adventurous

realistic

resilient

spoiled brat! Lol

strong

empathetic 

great mother

 and best of all Great wife!

charming

compassionate

 adaptable

persistent

worrsum

generous

sense of humor

empathic

 loving

real

ambitious

Ur a caring hands on mom, thats intelligent, humorous, I'm looking for the word that describes ppl that think outside the box

Your passion,Your beautiful smile,Creative Energy & Realism

Can you guess which response was my huni?

I measure up pretty well. I make an effort to show up daily. What does that mean? I am conscious about my moves and decisions and especially my thoughts. Every morning I start with my journal. I make an affirmation that I am here to help and I will help x amount of people on that day. Back in 2004 I also made a conscious decision to ensure that every interaction I had with others was authentic and genuine. So what you see with me is what you get. I don't say things to make anyone feel better or worse, I tell the truth. With my realism, there are often times, I hold my tongue. If I know the person is not capable of processing the truth, I won’t harm them with a truth that will only harm them, just to get them to see the light. That just proves I think I’m right. It does no good for either of us. Most people have aversions to the truth; despite verbalizing they really want it.  I’m in the helping business, not the hurting, but I will guide you to your truth. If you’re ready.

Human relationships are extremely important to me. I put forth extra effort with people. I give chances. I forgive and I forgive. I don't always forget, but guess what?!? I'm human. My friends call me “neutral nancy.” I pretty much get along with everyone.  There's no chance in that, I make a conscious effort. Daily I laugh, I smile, and make strangers feel as if we are best friends reunited, and I apologize when I'm wrong. Anyone that doesn't like me is either pre my conscious efforts or a woman scorned. Note: don't waste energy on trying to win over haters. Despite how freaking amazing you are (and you are) some people just can't deal with all the sunshine God has placed in you. Channel that energy to loving those that love you even more.

Every day I’m focused on helping someone to become a better person, whatever that looks like to them. I might not save the world, but I'm definitely making deposits so it will be better. Live consciously, no more drifting and going with the flow. I want you to show up every day, show up and show out!

Live. Love. Action.

1.    What are your three to five best characteristics?

2.    Ask three people closest to you what they think your best characteristics are?

3.    Compare the lists. Any similarities? What contrasts should you work on?

4.    Try to live every day on purpose...your purpose