What filter are you wearing?

We experience life through a filter. Our filter comes from experience or lack thereof.

None of us will EVER have the privilege of being able to have the option of having the same exact filter as someone else.

That's pretty awesome when you think about it. We have something that no one else will EVER have. Even if we explain if to them, they still won't see it the SAME as us because we can't merely box our entire story and life into a box to explain how the filter even developed.

We all get caught up in our own lives, that we forget this.

Everyone you encounter receives you through the filter of where they currently are.  (tweet this)

Their lens may be dirty, scratched, cracked, shiny, blue....you get it. Don't take it personal. It's never personal.

Our filters come out through thoughts, opinions, and actions.

Ever notice how a person with a guilty conscience acts?!? They automatically assume you mean things based upon their dirty filter.

So when you share your big glorious dreams with people and they don’t respond with excitement, don’t take it personal.

When someone judges you based upon your choices, don’t take it personal.

They are looking through their filter. It isn’t meant to harm you or shy you away, it’s to protect you, as far as they’re concern.

Unless they are just negative nancy’s that need a complete filter transport or a high five across the face.

We usually aren’t offended by negative people that don’t mean anything to us or those whose opinions we devalue. With that said it may be time to rid yourself of those people. Or on a lighter note add another filter just for them: You won’t discuss things with them, where you know they won’t respond honestly and unbiased.

Common filters:

1. Everyone should go to college.
2. Everyone should get married.
3. Men should (insert what you believe)
4. Women should (insert what you believe)
5. Failure is the worst thing ever.
6. Only strangers rape/sexual assault
7. The early bird gets the worm.
8. Working for the government is true financial security. 
9. Everyone should purchase a home. 
10. *Insert your own.*

And sometimes it’s hard for all of us to be honest and unbiased, so be gentle. Just like with vision, our filters can be altered and improved. Instead of buying glasses and contacts and having an exam, take the initiative to "clean” any filter that you have that isn’t quite 20/20.

Live. Love. Action. 

1. Detach yourself from the criticism given. It's normal to feel happy when you're celebrated and defensive when criticized. 

2. Subtract their filter and find the part of the advise/statement that was helpful. 

3. Don't take it personal. 

What does Multi-Passionate even mean?!?

This is the age of new words and phrases. Selfie has made it to the dictionary. It shows the power of social media. Kinda empowering when you sit back and think about it. 

Enough about that. So you might know or notice I say multi-passionate a lot. I'm not sure what I used before. 

Multi passionate simply means, you are passionate about many things.

Isn't that all of us?!?

It's most people I know. Many people will tell you to focus on one thing. Don't listen to them! Unless one thing is your thang! 

My entire life I have loved several things. I'm oneof those people that seems to be ALL over the place but insanely passionate about ALL this stuff. 

Multi passionates often get stuck. Between dream killers & gate keepers questioning logic or plans. When you love more than one thing it's hard to get started. 

Good news: you don't have to solely pick one. But you do have to START.

My advice: just start. 

Don't worry how it looks. You can make changes. Yeah you're allowed to change your mind without the dreaded four words from the dream killers "I told you so." 

Change doesn't mean failure. It means change. & guess what some pretty amazing things come out of failure. Embrace change & failure...or get used to being average and mediocre.

Someone had to tell you. I'm no dream killer or gatekeeper. I'm you're number one dream chaser dressed in a cheer leader uniform with your name all over it, if you're serious about those passions. 

If not, then I'm just this crazy sexy cool biz coach that hangs out online. 

Three amazing things about multi-passionates: 

1. We're creative idea generators. Hence they call me the brainstorming bombshell. 

2. Our energies and passion are contagious. 

3. We are great thinkers. 

4. And just because of the rebel I am...the fourth is we are experts with many talents. AKA Polymath. If you don't feel you are an expert YET, you need to get started. 

Girl boss or Leadhers?

I saw this hashtag on Instagram a few weeks back. Then discovered it was a title of a book. Founder of Nasty Gal. I haven't checked to see if the library has a copy yet. I wouldn't buy it, definitely would have to be a library share or borrow. 

Earlier I posted a quote on Instagram as I typically do and I used the hashtag #girlboss it made me think how the term boss doesn't sit well with me. I'm big on words & what we speak out of our mouths. 

I want to be a leader. I am a leader. Natural born. 

Mya Angelou passed last week and she was a leader. Oprah is a leader. True innovaters leading to change. Who remembers bosses?!? Most people don't even like their boss. I remember I used to always correct a supervisor when he would introduce himself as my boss. No boo, you're my supervisor. No one is my boss...I control me. 

Words are simply words. I get it. Maybe my rebellion was just showing out.

But words have meanings that we've all grown to know. Isn't that why we had vocabulary in elementary? It wasn't enough for us to spell them correctly; we had to know what they meant, and how to use them correctly.

Remember you're striving for a purposeful life. 

Here are some words I avoid using: Can't. Hope. 

Can't- unless it's not humanly possible, then I won't say "can't"...I may need to say I don't want to...or I don't want to try. Those tend to be more accurate. 

Hope-hope is a contradiction. Instead of believing we insert a bit of uncertainty. "I hope you have a good day." Eliminate the possibility of the negative and state "have an amazing day!" Or "I hope this happens..." You don't have faith that it will occur when you say hope.

According to the authors of Words Can Change Your Brain:

By holding a positive and optimistic [word] in your mind, you stimulate frontal lobe activity. This area includes specific language centers that connect directly to the motor cortex responsible for moving you into action. And as our research has shown, the longer you concentrate on positive words, the more you begin to affect other areas of the brain. Functions in the parietal lobe start to change, which changes your perception of yourself and the people you interact with. A positive view of yourself will bias you toward seeing the good in others, whereas a negative self-image will include you toward suspicion and doubt. Over time the structure of your thalamus will also change in response to your conscious words, thoughts, and feelings, and we believe that the thalamic changes affect the way in which you perceive reality.

So not only am I a leader. I am a leadHER and I'm all for EmpowHERment. 

What one word should you stop using?!? Let me know over on Facebook. 

Who is on your money team?

We all have that one girlfriend that we can call on no matter what! Doesn't matter the time or topic. We don't have to even think about her judging us or telling another soul. She is our personal piece of heaven on earth. 

When it comes to our BIG dreams and goals, sometimes our girl just isn't who we need to talk to. She will want the best for us, but she's not holding us accountable for our stuff. You know really calling us out on our stuff when we don't complete the things that will take us to where we ultimately want to be. 

In order to succeed you need to place yourself amongst those you view as successful. 

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. ”

— Jim Rohn

I have distanced myself from people over the past few years for the following reasons: 

1.) I'm really busy trying to change the world. 

2.) I don't have time for gossip & negative energy. 

3.) I'm seeking genuine connections to aide in the projects I'm working on.

4.) Not everyone understands the hustle and sometimes I just don't feel like explaining WHY I work as hard for my dreams. 

When I first heard of the “Money Team,” I giggled. Floyd Money Mayweather is a boxer who has coined his support system as The Money Team. Each member is successful and hard working. We can’t deny their work or hustle. A little unorthodox and crazy, but successful and hard working never the less. 

When developing your money team you need someone that's objective and honest. They aren't going to agree with all ideas and practices just because they like you. You want honest feedback and suggestions. We all grow from criticism. 

Benefits of your money team: 

Your money team will be there for you to bounce ideas off of. 

This team will actively seek opportunities that benefit you. 

This team wants you to win just as bad as you want to breathe. 

You have to want it as bad as you want to breathe. 

There's no competition within this team. As the love and support is reciprocal. As they are helping and guiding you, you are doing the same for them. 

This team could be comprised of two or more people. You could meet weekly via phone, email, a Facebook group, or Skype. You all decide. Your team will be a mastermind group that is exclusive to sharing your dreams, goals, and desires. Perfect for go getters who may get sluggish from time to time. 

Weekly review what tasks each person needs to complete to get a step closer to their desired goal. 

Come up with systems that work for you, share them. Encourage them to do the same. 

Your team could be compromised of people doing similar things or different. The important factor is you are all actively pursuing your goals, dreams, and passions. 

This team will be your pick me up when you're feeling discouraged and feel like you're stuck and all the work or actions you're putting forth are in vain. They will be there to celebrate your mini and humongous successes. 

We all need support. Success is usually very lovely. It doesn't have to be that way for you, unless you want it. If you find some one that has impeccable drive that you admire shoot them an email or message asking if they are in a mastermind or have an accountability partner. Give them a few sentences on what you do and wait for their response. 

Boom! It's that simple. 

I was thinking...no I can't be your accountability partner...you know I would love to...but I truly cant. I am however thinking about having a free monthly call where we all can celebrate whatever. Call it a passion party. So once a month for an hour hop on a group conference line and chat it up about goals, dreams, and passions. Maybe even a little girl talk if we have time. Still playing around with the idea, but I'm always up for a good passion party. Let me know on Facebook, if you would attend. 

Does being Independent Serve You?

Remember the Independent Woman song by Destiny's Child? 

I was listening to it the other week as I was driving to DC. 

I remember when I was an independent woman. It was like a badge of honor to say. 

I don't need *insert whatever you don't need* and say it proudly! But it was a lie. It was! I would say I didn’t needy my Huni. It's hilarious because back when I said it, I didn't have a job and was trying to get through grad school. Two small kids and I didn't need him. Laughing out loud for real. 

So fast forward a few years. I graduated and was making my own money and doing my own thang. I learned being independent was a set up. I needed him. I needed my friends. I truly needed these people in my life to thrive. Did I need them to buy me things. 

Somewhere we are taught in society, that we don't need this person or that person. But guess what?!? That's foolishness. 

We all need someone! Now of course if the person is mistreating you and making your life a living hell, you don't need THAT person(s). 

Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Bounce ideas off of. Console us. It feels good for someone to buy you gifts. More money in my account. Not pushing you to take take take because all interactions should be reciprocal, give and take. That's the beauty of healthy interactions. 

In business and life I had a hard time, like teeth clinching hard, asking for help. I have always been the brainstorming bombshell. I can figure IT out on my own. And if not, that's what my BFF google could do. We all have our various strengths and weaknesses, together we win, not being independent. Being independent doesn't serve us. We need people.

Quarter Two Living

Quarter Two starts today..are you ready?!? I know you aren't a coaster, you know someone just coasting through life, and these goals and dreams that you have are attached to completion dates. Naturally, I'm not a very organized person, so the thought of completion dates and quarters used to intimidate me a little. Coasting was cool in the 90's, but what car doesn't offer cruise control now? Get it? Coasting…cruise control, it was funny the first time I typed it. 

Unless you're okay with how your life is this very moment and are perfectly okay (hey grammar police I did that on purpose) with living today over and over for the next 30 plus years, by all means keep dreaming and creating goals that you'll never take action on. Thinking about doing is not doing...it's just thinking. 

Some people plan for the entire year. My mind doesn't work well under large constraints. 90 days is a push, but I know it's imperative to my success. I've completed all my Quarter 1 goals. Woop! woop! Wanna know how I did it?!? I lived intentional. 

We all have things we want. Write them down. Stop storing everything in your mind and you'll decrease some stress, worry, and improve your sleep. That's the psychologist in me, I apologize. ;) 

Determine how long it will take to get what you want. 

If you want a new pair of red bottoms, don't feel silly or bad, that's what you want. But figure out a plan on how to get them. So you might be thinking, well duh!?! Swipe my credit card. *clears throat* if another goal on that list is to save more money or get out of debt, you have a big of a contradiction, but no worries. 

This is why you write it down, so you can process it and come up with alternatives. 

You want the shoes and to save money (or eliminate debt) [Sn: be super specific and note how much money and print out the shoes or keep the magazine ad so you can see it often. This helps PUSH you to get what you want]. 

Live. Love. Action. 

1. What are three goals for quarter two? 

2. How can you achieve these goals in 90 days? 

3. Will it truly take 90 days for completion? Be honest!

Write it down. Only 3% do and then are more likely to achieve their goals. Write it now!

Self-development is scary

I'm in the process of restructuring KO. Oddly enough I work with more women in creating businesses than personal coaching. I get it building an empire is definitely sexier than working on you.

Yet, it actually confused me for some time. Like why wouldn't you want to be totally together and at peace. So many of us focus on everything else we can achieve first. We acknowledge the faults here and there but we don't go full force on what's needed to get rid of them. You know the saying, "we all have faults," stagnates many from ever working on anything within them. Please note that self-development extends further than just “faults.”

Example:

Shay has trust issues which she openly admits, but isn't willing to look at the source or even take the steps to rid herself of these issues. She signs up with me for biz coaching. Shay and I get her business running. Shay is really crushing it! I'm proud of her, she's proud!  Amazing opportunities start popping up left and right for her business. However, she doesn't believe that the opportunities are legit, based upon her own issues with not being able to trust people.  Subsequently, she misses out many times because she's doubtful and backdoor researching the opportunity.

Change is hard. I'll be the first to admit it's hard....really hard. Then to admit to another person that you need help with whatever *insert vice/fault is* OMG?!? I get it.

My bestie says I try to save everyone and I'm probably guilty as charged. Most people are okay with their chaos and guess what?!? I'm learning to be cool with everyone not wanting to be happy and at peace.  As Project Pat says, “[they] don't want to be saved.”
 I just know firsthand how GOOD life can be with it. Just like I would tell you what my favorite lipstick is and how amazing it is and keeps my lips moisturized, I want you to be happy and fulfilled. If you're reading this, you are definitely headed in the right direction. Anyone not interested in change on any level, wouldn’t read these type of posts. So Kudos to you! I hope you have your GPS on and set towards happiness, freedom, riches...whatever your desire(s) may be. Go ahead and put that desire in google directions, it isn't going to take you anywhere. Sorry sunshine! You will have to do some leg work.

Most don't want to put the work in. They want magic to occur. Happiness, freedom, and riches are all magical but they don't just fall out the sky because you're beautiful. Trust me...I have gazed at the sky many of days and at the most I was lucky to not have had a bird poop on me.

I often joke and say “Operation get my life right!” Operation get my life right is anytime I feel a shift that something in my life isn't aligned. Think of a car’s alignment, if you remove your hands off the steering wheel and if it shifts to the right or the left...you need an alignment.  If I stop doing my daily practices (gratitude, rest, play) then I begin to notice a shift and I need “Operation get my life right.” If I've had more cheat meals in a week then my clean eating regime...then it’s time for “Operation get my life right!”

Seems easy enough.  However, you will never know if you're shifting, if you've never been aligned with your core values and desires. When you begin working on the hard things is when you begin to create internal alignments. It takes time, but with love and patience, it happens.

No worries to my lovely ladies that are truly working on that core alignment. Personal coaching isn't going away, I just want you to be aware when you see some new things. Change can be so hard. ;) Inspirational posts will continue because that's just who I am...always trying to save someone ;)

Black Female Addicted to Retail

Black female addicted to retail

“And she be dealing with some issues that you can’t believe…Single black female, addicted to retail.”

— Kanye West

My shoe budget was higher than my grocery and savings budget...yeah I know her. If there was a sale at a department store, I knew before the employees.

Shopping addiction is not even touching it.

Retail therapy...if I was upset...I shopped. If I was bored...I shopped. If I was happy...I shopped. If I was hungry...I went to Nordstroms and would shop afterwards.

My most recent frequented sites were fashion sites and my favorite stores. My closet became a store for my friends. I wouldn't wear things twice, plus so many items still have tags on them. I will note I didn't use credit cards to purchase anything during retail therapy as I don't believe in debt.

So what I've noticed in working with minority women that are very similar to the old me. We would rather invest $500-$1000 on a purse (*insert your fancy*) than invest in ourselves.

Investing in ourselves could be coaching, personal trainer, gym membership, a course not covered by financial aid, real estate. Whatever it is...we hold ourselves back waiting for someone else to give us the opportunity. Choose yourself! There are new rules! And guess who makes the rules? You do! You know you have the power to transform your life into every beautiful detail you sit around and dream about. But guess what cupcake? Deferring those dreams because you don’t invest in yourself is such a waste of purpose.

We might say, “when the rate goes down, I'll sign up,” or “it's just too expensive.”

Truly evaluate the things that you wanted to do to further yourself but you didn't invest because you believed that you couldn't afford it.

When I was in grad school, I went to see a therapist. Granted my insurance paid for majority of the costs and I paid the co-pay. But I wanted to evaluate the process and to ensure I was “healed” enough to heal others. Going to that appointment actually helped me with my counseling skills, because now I know how intimidating it can feel going to the first appointment. But that’s another post entirely.

Invest time in yourself. Research things. Google is my BFF, but so is the library. I read about two books a week. Even with my hectic schedule, because there’s so much I need to learn about the things I want to improve on. The library is free unless you forget to return the books. I probably have 22 books checked out right now from business, health, cookbooks, to self-help. Just as I make “me time” to pamper myself, I have time where I invest in myself.

Monetary investments can be scary. I know! I really do. I recently invested in a coach. What a coach has a coach?!? Yes! I’ve learned ALL the greats have coaches. We all need mentors in various areas. I can say I’m an amazing coach, mentor, and therapist, but I don’t know everything. Sometimes I even get discouraged, and depending on the area(s) of your life coaches are there for you. If Michael Jordan and Lebron James can take instruction from a coach, I am definitely coachable. You may not need coaching in any area of your life, but I’m sure there are things that you are deferring that could get you where you truly want in life. Don’t be that lady addicted to retail and make excuses for why you are unable to invest in yourself.

Successful people don’t wait – they spend money, time, and effort on their own growth because they know without doubt it will pay off – for themselves and everyone around them. Failing to invest in yourself is just another form of self-limiting behaviors. 

Transparency

Transparency...I'm working on becoming more transparent on the blog. It's easier in person because I know who I'm talking to and typically am more compelled to share. Versus on the blog, I hit publish and thousands are privileged  to my mind, heart, vulnerabilities, and past experiences.  I know you're thinking, well just don't share, that's simple enough. However, it isn't that simple. I know that through sharing experiences and stories leads to healing of the recipient and the one sharing.

“A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.



”

— Dalai Lama

I'm very thankful that I can consider myself a wounded healer. I've gone through many things, and I've survived. I don't play victim, I don't walk around angry, I don't place blame. I accept my reality for what it is. I'm very thankful for the lessons I've learned, no matter how many times it took to learn the lesson.

There are some women that will read this blog and we will never interact or work together, but they will resonate with things that I write about and share. And I'm here for them just as those that I serve. In working with majority of minority women, I've noticed most of us have a hard time dealing with self-help topics. It's easy to acknowledge "something" [what's your something(s)?]  but to become motivated to change that "something," and actually follow through is a whole 'nother story. We all know that lady that's always put together from the top of her head to that fresh pedicure on her toes, but she's a MESS inside. You may not know her, because she lays the polish on so well, she's mastered the role and is even convinced herself that she's together! But she's as put together as Humpty Dumpty after the fall!

I know her....I used to be her some years back. The facade was real. Prior to working on myself and actually aspiring to live the life I truly wanted, I bought my happiness. Whatever I wanted, I would get. I reasoned that I worked hard and I deserved it. And I did work hard, but I deserved happiness and my true desires fulfilled more.

Note: there's nothing wrong with treating yourself, do that! But love yourself and follow your dreams and passions like you lust over meaningless things.

I blocked out certain emotions that would cause me to look at parts of myself that I didn't want to deal with or remember situations I didn't want to address. I was emotionally unavailable and dated the unavailable and it became complicated when their emotions got involved and they realized how wonderful and amazing I was, because I truly didn't acknowledge my worth. I knew the basics, but not the full scale.  I had a lot to offer yet I still felt I wasn't enough...not being enough is a form of scarcity that so many people experience, yet no one talks about it..openly. 

So through my training, life experience, past pains, and the desire to be a change agent...I'm here...fully transparent and fearlessly authentic.

As I often say, "own your story, trust your struggle."

Have you ever felt broken?

Have you ever been broken? Not a bone or physical state, but a very low point emotionally. It could be a divorce, abortion; death of a child, death of parents and (or) siblings or spouse; incest, domestic violence, sexual trauma (assault, rape, molestation), substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, prescription), etc.

Basically the pain of life can seem too much to bear. Your heart is beyond broken. Your world has been turned upside down. Have you ever been broken?

Recently a client asked me how I could be so positive. I didn't know how to answer her initially. Sure I could give her any politically correct answer and smile, and then encourage her to do the same. But looking in her eyes she was BROKEN and barely holding on to the facade that "everything was okay." I told her I chose to live in the dark for a few years and once finding my light, I held on to it for dear life.

For about six years I worked with sexual trauma clients who suffered from PTSD and adolescent pedophiles (male & female).  Now talk about a true conflict of interest. My first client was seven years old. This was my first counseling client ever. She was BROKEN at just seven years old. We talked for 10 minutes and I couldn't keep my composure. I wanted to fix her. I began tearing up and my supervisor removed me QUICK (as she should have). Since that day I was trained to develop an eye for the broken. Almost like a secret superpower. This superpower has it pros and its cons; especially since I want to help so many women achieve happiness, but I'm realistic and I know that no one goes through life without pain. 

“The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.
”

— Japanese proverb

I've been broken maybe two or three times. I would say probably two times, since I have a high resiliency. The third time my feelings were just heavily hurt, but I wasn't broken. Resilience is the capacity to adapt to difficult or challenging life experiences. Regardless of how I became broken, I accepted that I was in moments of despair. I wanted the pain to stop and the hurt to leave. Although during brokenness, you don't see the way out.

I developed a simple prayer that has helped through trying times:

Dear Lord,

I'm asking you for peace, not for healing because I know that will come in time as I learn from this unfortunate event. However in order to gain that insight, I need peace.

-Thank you! Amen. 

Peace of mind is everything! Peace allows the mind to think clearly and helps us to discern the lesson and choices we need to make, which aides in our healing.

Often times when we're broken we just want to be fixed, and fast. I blame society. New here? Society and I don't get along. I'm a rebel with a cause & we rarely see eye to eye. Society has the tendency to make it an issue if we feel any emotion aside from joy and happiness. Society labels us as “emo,” anxious, and depressed. And NOTHING is wrong with those emotions, the negative connotation that people place upon them is why so many flea from accepting pain.

You have to learn to identify and accept your feelings just as they are. It's okay to not be okay. If you are feeling hurt, embrace that hurt. Hiding it and denying it for face value will not help you. There’s no reason that you have to be strong, as we all are conditioned to think. It is okay to be weak at times. It’s normal and acceptable to hurt, when you are hurting. You don’t need permission, but I’ll give it to you just this once…you have permission to hurt, cry, and scream. 

Heal and build your resilience during trying times by incorporating the following:

Accept the situation as it is. Black and white, no grey area here.

Let go of things you can’t control.

Be optimistic.

Strengthen your relationships. Don’t isolate yourself from others. Draw to them and accept their love and understanding. You will need it.

Increase your gratuity. Be thankful for the things that you have and the situations that are well in your life.

Live in the present moment.

Nurture yourself.

Avoid alcohol and drugs when you’re hurting. Please…for me.

Look for the lesson and self-discovery.

You don’t need all the answers, so stop looking for them.

Be gentle to yourself.  

Accept that change is a part of life.

Understand that this is a “part” of your story, but it not your whole story, or does it depict who you are.

It has been said that resilient people are like bamboo trees in a hurricane, they bend rather than break. Even if you feel like you’re going to break or are in a state of brokenness, know it will get better, and start leaning with the wind as you prepare for your light. Brokenness can either lead to bitterness or wholeness, you decide.